#relationship – I Am No Yogi

My apologies. I know I’m taking a risk here, but I posted this the other day and then I took it down. I’m torn. I want to leave the past in the past and so I thought I’d put it out there and let it go, but then I thought, by putting it out there, it regains energy. I had a great conversation with a wise person, who told me its okay to put it out there, let it go, and be done with it. So, here it is again. I will not take it down. Namaste.

Charles Bukowski once said, “I walked around the block twice, passed 200 people and failed to see a human being.”

The block I grew up on was pretty bad. I walked around it countless times. I witnessed and experienced things I shouldn’t have at an early age. At any age, really. I greeted the prostitutes on the corner as I walked by, witnessed horrible violence and incredible kindness. A bloody lifeless body on my sidewalk and a two-year old boy innocently playing with a toy truck. I went to sleep to the cacophony of gun shots, sirens, the elevated train, people yelling and screaming, and … a dog barking. You get used it.

I learned street diplomacy in my single digits, got into and out of violent confrontations and maintained a delicate relationship between decent people and the criminal element.

Mentally, physically, and psychologically processing that stuff has its effects. For so many, the atmosphere becomes them and I completely understand. The pressure to align with this group or that group, because standing alone is dangerous. So is aligning with a group. Catch 22. What does it mean to be a man? As a young teenager, successfully navigating that atmosphere was next to impossible.

Due to the surrounding violence, my dad enrolled me in martial arts when I was twelve. Real martial arts. Not kiddie karate. Blood, pain, injury, and a bit of Zen. I could have gotten three of those on the streets at no cost. Actually, I did. Something I asked my dad was … “Can’t we just move, instead?” But that wasn’t in the cards.

That neighborhood heightened my sense of awareness and information processing speed. My decision making skills are quick and quite decisive. I learned to read situations, verbal exchanges, tone, demeanor, mood, movement, and things that just don’t feel right. I don’t recommend it.

And the martial arts? That militaristic dojo taught me how to embrace the suck, get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and focus. It helped me to see myself. And because of that, it helped me to see the human beings.

Back to the Bukowski quote. I saw the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful on that block. I saw the humans. All of them. A person. A life. I think that’s what helped me navigate those streets. I genuinely saw the person and they saw that I saw them and so … they saw me. Some didn’t, no matter what. That’s just the way it goes and that relationship got handled differently.

Whatever, whenever, and wherever the block; literal or metaphorical, seeing the human beings helps a lot. It can hurt sometimes too. But, the alternative is just going through the motions. No feeling to it. No soul.

I know what Bukowski was trying to say and I get it. Life, atmosphere, circumstances, and shitty people can cause us to lose our faith in fellow humans; jaded, frustrated, guarded, and disheartened. It happens and we all have our days, but we can’t live there. That would be a miserable existence. No joy. No peace.

I see human beings, but I first had to truly see myself.

Photo by Fredy Martinez on Unsplash

Trust is not something that can be earned. It is only given or lost.

In the movie, A League of Their Own, there’s a scene at the train station where Jon Lovitz is waiting for two dairy farm workers, played by Gina Davis and Lori Petty, to get on the train. They’re reluctant to board and so Lovitz’s character says, “See, the way it works is, the train moves, not the station.”

The train moves, not the station! That one gets me every time.

It kind of works the same way with trust, if trust is the train and the person is the station. The train can only be let go (given) to go where it has the potential to go. That’s what its built to do.

Maybe the train goes off the rails. Maybe it breaks down. Maybe. But, mostly it takes everyone where they need to go. To do that, it must be let go from the station. Trust must be given.

If the train had to be inspected, over and over again; checked and re-checked as if having to prove its worthiness and never actually let go from the station, because no matter what it does while sitting there ever earns actual trust, it goes nowhere and does no one any good. And the train deteriorates.

The train would never be able to become what it needs to be, do what it was meant to do, without being given trust. It can’t prove a damn thing sitting at the station, one way or the other.

When someone says, “you have to earn my trust”, it means they don’t trust you. It does. I mean you either do or you don’t and if we haven’t “earned” it yet (as if it would happen sometime in the future), it doesn’t exist now. So, no trust.

We either give someone our trust or we don’t and if we don’t, we don’t trust them. It’s just the way the math works. And that’s okay, depending on the circumstances. There are things to consider, of course. But that train (employee, partner, spouse, friend, etc) will never perform at its greatest potential if not trusted to leave the station.

Like most things, we can’t give trust if we don’t have it. If we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust others? We can’t give something we don’t have. Maybe we need to be honest with ourselves. If someone broke our trust, it hurts; emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically, and even financially. But, that was that person, not everyone else. And when someone breaks our trust, especially in the worst ways, the real damage is on them. I know it doesn’t seem that way and maybe they don’t even feel it. But, their soul does. It’s just a bad train.

And let’s not confuse trust for competency. That train will not take me to the door step of my destination. It doesn’t do that. My trust is that it will do what it does; stay on the rails and take me to my destination station. Nothing more, nothing less. I’ll need an Uber to take me from the station and hmm, let’s see; get into a stranger’s personal car …

But we do it every day, don’t we? It’s a matter of trust. Trust that is given.

Photo by gavin_s_wilson on Instagram.

Tag: #relationship

Trust: What’s the Matter?